The Reg: Stacks

MICHAEL: My friends, I oftentimes find myself engaged deep in the depths of scholarly thought when all of a sudden the urge to use the restroom hits me.

EUGENE: But Michael, I do not understand.

MICHAEL: Imagine a line, Eugene. At one end of the line, we have the point A. On the other end, we have the point B. Midway through the line lies point C. Midway through double the distance from A to B, yet one-half the distance from C to A, lies point D. Point E, on the other hand, is situated to the left of point A, equidistant from points A, B, and C, yet two-thirds of that distance from D. The distance from D and E is one-half of the inverse of the distance from A to C, which in turn is equivalent to the distance from D to E. Through some stroke of mathematical curiosity, the distance from C to D is not equal to the distance from D to C. And thus, I sometimes have to poop when in the stacks.

EUGENE: Ah, it must be so.

MILTON: When such an urge hits me, I typically just use the word of John Maynard Keynes to wipe my genius butt. Finally: a use for such silly theories.

EUGENE: Well, some of our fellow scholars and students typically prefer to use bathrooms, Milton. Let us embark on a study of the bathrooms in the Reg Stacks.

A-Level Stacks

MICHAEL: I see that this fine establishment uses dual flushless urinals. Apparently I am the only one who has a problem with the idea of everyone's pee collecting in the bowl of a urinal.

EUGENE: Do not think of it as your pee and someone else's pee, dear Michael. You must instead consider it as the pee of the multitudes, the pee of the masses. We are all sharing in this pee, and thus it is the pee of all. It is fitting for such pee - which itself can be said to symbolize the harmony of our society as a whole - to lay for all to see in dual flushless urinals. When the cascades of sweet water rush down the tubes every few minutes, it is not just my pee that gets flushed, dear Michael. Instead, it is the pee of society.

MILTON: Verily, this urinal is in fact a true representation of our Republic.

EUGENE: Ah, it is true. Just as the philosopher and the king in our glorious society are in tandem and are in fact one and the same, the two flushless urinals are adjoined at the side so that they both experience the same flushing and the same back wall in the exact same manner.

MICHAEL: We must not forget about this lonely stall, though. It appears quite content to be separate from the dual- flushless urinals. Once again, sadly, there is a distinct lack of witticisms on the wall. It pains me to see that my students feel that they can poop without expressing themselves in writing at the same time.

MILTON: I see that the University has taken pains to label this as the Handicapped Reading Room. Sadly, I fear that the reading of books in such an environment likely poses a health hazard. Fortunately, I don't really like handicapped people. They take my parking spots.

EUGENE: I don't think that's what it means, Milton.

MICHAEL: Another noteworthy aspect: unlike all of the other bathrooms that we have thus far visited, this one is not male-only; instead, it is unisex.

MILTON: Men and women? Both using the same facilities? Certainly such a set-up will lead to clear moral degradation and, indeed, to the decay and demise of the society at large. In fact, just as the flute player plays the flute, so will unisex bathrooms lead us to ruin.

MICHAEL: Indeed, my friends, I strongly prefer restrooms that are frequented only by young boys and aged men like ourselves.

MILTON: Indeed.

EUGENE: I do not doubt the fact that both of you prefer facilities shared by young boys, but it is time for us to move on to the first floor. We have many more bathrooms to review.

The philosophers' rating: Fifth Form of the Good

First Floor Stacks

MILTON: So... I don't really see any books here.

EUGENE: Indeed, it is sad yet true. For a portion of the building advertised as being "the stacks," there is indeed a distinct paucity of stackage.

MICHAEL: Indeed.

MILTON: Yes Eugene, it must be so.

EUGENE: Well, yes. In fact, just as a human soul has three parts - spirit, intellect, and appetite - the soul of the Reg also has three: the reading area and the stacks. It is a shame that the various parts of the Reg are not in complete harmony; it is this harmony that leads us to true justice.

MICHAEL: I counted two parts there, Eugene. But hey, you're the scientist here.

EUGENE: Indeed, it is so.

MILTON: Sadly, in addition to there not being any sort of stacking area here, there also is not any type of stacks restroom. This is in fact true justice: patrons who are dumb enough to use the First Floor, which is clearly the most useless floor in the entire library, deserve to not have their excretory needs serviced quickly. It is in fact sweet and poetic that such fools have to make the trek all the way to the special collections area whenever they are in need of a restroom.

MICHAEL: Indeed, this is true. The first floor is clearly a small city of sows, and its users are simply not mentally equipped to understand that other floors are far superior. It is good to see that our fair University is taking steps to eliminate this foolish population by forcing them to make the dangerous venture to the special collections area bathroom.

EUGENE: My friends, we have spent enough time here in this craven place. Let us escape to higher moral ground by going upstairs.

The philosophers' rating: N/A. The bathroom doesn't even exist.

Second Floor Stacks

MILTON: This door is locked. Not even my superior intellect is able to open it.

MICHAEL: Alas, you are right. What infernal plague has made us too weak to open such a door?

EUGENE: Well, for one, the sign on the door says that this place is out of order.

MILTON: Well, either way - I gotta poop. Let us hurry upstairs to the third floor stacks.

Third Floor Stacks

MICHAEL: My friends, this restroom seems remarkably similar to the A-Level stacks restroom.

EUGENE: Indeed Michael, it is so. It pains me to see this distinct lack of creativity. The only differences are minor: this restroom is male-only, and there is a slight leak in the right faucet.

MICHAEL: Indeed, the lack of creativity is quite painful to view. I feel that philosopher-king Zimmer has not done enough to ensure the variety of bathrooms in the stacks. Perhaps his concerns lay elsewhere. Sadly, his lack of dedication to the cause is harming the entire society at large; perhaps he is not philosopher enough for the job.

MILTON: My friends, what you have said is indeed true, but can you guys leave for a minute or two? The fact that you two are pontificating as to the merits of this bathroom is making it kind of hard for me to focus on my poop.

The philosophers' rating: Fifth Form of the Good

Miles
Simha