Classics

MICHAEL: My friends, as all of you surely know, the best part of our job is when students come to office hours and ask us questions. This is the best part of our job for twin reasons: (1) their thirst for knowledge and philosophical excellence warms our heart and gives us hope for the future, and (2) we get to laugh at them for asking really stupid questions. However, when we are in our office, we are oftentimes afflicted with two divergent urges: the urge to laugh at our wayward students and the urge to poop.

MILTON: Indeed, it so. For this reason, the bathrooms in buildings like Classics are of the utmost importance; although Classics does not have too many classrooms, it contains a great number of faculty offices, and thus, the bathrooms are used heavily students and faculty alike.

MICHAEL: Furthermore, just as a society with one true philosopher king is superior to a society ruled by a democracy of fools, the fact that Classics contains only two men's restrooms is not an inherent flaw. We must examine the restrooms to see how to compare to the others.

EUGENE: My friends, I feel like we have arrived to the heart of the question. Let us commence our examination of the bathrooms in Classics.

Classics Second Floor

MILTON: It is a good thing that there is a bathroom here on the second floor, right next to Classics Cafe.

EUGENE: But Milton, I do not understand: why is it important that there be a bathroom here?

MILTON: This bathroom has likely saved many a scholar from certain embarrassment. I have heard stories involving the patrons of campus eateries urgently needing a restroom after either drinking an especially bad cup of coffee or eating a slightly too-old sandwich; as such, it is clearly the epitome of true philosophic justice for there to be a bathroom right next to Classics Cafe.

EUGENE: Ah, you have made it clear now.

MICHAEL: By Zeus! Much like the temple to the great cloudgatherer Zeus at Olympia, this bathroom appears to have a great surplus of marble on its walls.

EUGENE: Indeed, it is so. I am much impressed. Just as humans have an inherent metallocity that determines their standing in life, walls too have their destinies drawn out for them at a young age. Walls of marble are always destined for great success in all fields: philosophic, asesthetic, and gymnastic.

MILTON: I am also highly enthusiastic about the artistic side-entry door for the handicapped stall. It spares the user from the embarrassing feeling that passers-by are staring in through the door cracks right at one's crotch.

MICHAEL: There is also a splendid window on the far end that overlooks part of the campus.

MILTON: Indeed, the window is quite useful. Men's restrooms typically need all the air circulation that they can get, and it also allows users to follow up their mammoth poops by gazing off into the heavens while pondering truth and justice.

EUGENE: Personally, I am partial to the large cubby on the left wall. I feel like it would be a good place to hide medium and large sized treasures.

MICHAEL: Indeed, it is a good place to hide my brown fuzzy coat.

MILTON: My friends, I feel that we have spent enough time here on the second floor; let us now go upstairs to the fourth floor.

The philosophers' rating: Eighth Form of the Good

Classics Fourth Floor

EUGENE: Indeed, this bathroom is a lot like the second-floor bathroom, except for the fact that it is worse.

MILTON: Indeed, it is so. the bathroom is fitted with the same gorgeous marble wall surface, but sadly, it has its share of flaws.

MICHAEL: But Milton, I do not understand: what flaws does this bathroom have?

MILTON: It is quite simple. Just as the flute player plays the flute, so does the water come from this tap in separate faucets for hot and cold. Such a travesty makes it difficult for users to regulate the proper level of warmth, and as such, they are rendered unable to find truth.

MICHAEL: Ah, you have made it so clear.

EUGENE: Furthermore, I notice that there are horizontal metal bars on the window. Apparently the University does not want its bathroom users to climb onto the roof in a moment of ecstasy after a highly successfully poop.

The philosophers' rating: Sixth Form of the Good


Simha