MICHAEL: At one point, dear Stuart hall was inhabited by those whose metallocity is less than mediocre.
EUGENE: Indeed, it is so. At one point, Stuart was the home of the GSB, where the average metallocity of the students is not even a metal: it is actually just styrofoam.
MILTON: Ah, it is so. Even the most base of scholars typically has a metallocity of at least rusted steel or tin, but the GSB students are rarely higher than styrofoam.
MICHAEL: Thankfully, the university has reclaimed this space for the pursuit of true knowledge of the forms.
EUGENE: Indeed, it is so. Let us commence our study of these bathrooms at the middle, because it is the most vital section of the building.
MILTON: But Eugene, I do not understand. Why is the middle so important?
EUGENE: Milton, it is simple. Just as the soul has three parts, the building has two parts: the top and the bottom. Thus, we must start at the middle.
MILTON: Ah, but it is so clear now. Let us begin at the middle.
Stuart Second Floor
MICHAEL: I am particularly impressed by the wooden-backed coat hooks on the far wall.
EUGENE: Ah, it smells of rich mahogany. Unfortunately, the leather-bound books are nowhere to be seen.
MILTON: The retro-style "No Smoking" sign is also a nice touch. It reminds me of the rocking 60s, when I was a crazy flower child.
MICHAEL: Unfortunately, despite the coat hooks, "No Smoking" sign, and bizarre shape, this bathrooms is still relatively unimpressive. There's really not all that much special about it.
EUGENE: Indeed, it it so. There are some pretty average looking flushless urinals, some incandescent lights which do a good job of illuminating even the farthest reaches of the bathroom, and a nice shiny new paint job.
MILTON: Indeed, it is so. Just as the chicken must be covered with feathers lest it lose its chickenliness, this bathroom must be covered with fresh paint lest it lose.
MICHAEL: But Milton, I do not understand. What will it lose if it does not have fresh paint on its walls?
MILTON: At life, my dear Michael. It will lose at life.
The philosophers' rating: Sixth Form of the Good
Stuart Basement
EUGENE: My friends, this bathroom is expansive in size.
MILTON: Indeed, much as my head is cavernous, so is this bathroom.
MICHAEL: There is a three-foot-wide wall that divides the urinals on the right from the stalls on the left. Much as the flute player plays the flute, this dividing wall is in fact a dividing wall.
EUGENE: But Michael, I do not understand.
MICHAEL: My dear Eugene, it is simple. Just as this dividing wall is in fact a dividing wall, so must the flute player play the flute.
EUGENE: Ah, indeed, it must be so.
MILTON: Much like the second-floor bathroom, this bathroom has a nice collection of wooden-backed hooks. Michael, you will find this feature particularly useful, because you can hang your fuzzy brown coat from one of the hooks whilst you express your thoughts in the form of pee.
MICHAEL: Above the sinks, there is an especially wide mirror that allows me to stare at myself from a veritable wealth of angles. Furthermore, it allows me to keep an eye on the door so that I can stop peeing into the sink whenever someone walks in.
EUGENE: But Michael, I do not understand. How do you cover up your sink-peeing habit when an unwitting stranger walks into the bathroom?
MICHAEL: Ah, Eugene, it is simple. I simply hurl myself atop the counter so that my crotch is in fact inside the sink. Furthermore, I pretend like I am searching for any stray shards of Truth that may have dispersed to the outer reaches of the drain. I have fooled many an outsider in this manner.
MILTON: Although the sinks are indeed inviting, my dear Michael, the bathroom also has numerous other notable features. For instance, there is a nice retro "No Smoking" sign on the right wall, just as there is on the second floor.
MICHAEL: Indeed, it so. Furthermore, each stall has a nice shelf for storing extra treasures.
EUGENE: Oftentimes I place my lab notebook on the shelf unit while I poop.
The philosophers' rating: Eighth Form of the Good
Miles
Simha
Showing posts with label Sixth Form of the Good. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sixth Form of the Good. Show all posts
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Reynolds Club
MICHAEL: My friends, when a poet is in deep pursuit of knowledge, justice, and virtue, he is oftentimes temporarily derailed by a most vile entity: entertainment.
MILTON: Indeed, it is so. I hate fun.
EUGENE: Ah, yes, it is true. Once when I was a young scholar, I attempted to play hopscotch with a polar bear. Sadly, it attempted to eat me. It was, in fact, the worst experience of my life. However, I was able to channel my wounds and scars into a good cause: never again have I interrupted my philosophic thinkings and ponderings by having fun.
MILTON: Ah, yes. Sadly, some young scholars at this university lack our level of intellect.
MICHAEL: Indeed, it is so.
MILTON: Thus, they oftentimes attempt to entertain themselves. An entire pristine building has been erected for this very purpose; a building which contains rooms for tomfoolery and time-wasting activities like watching plays or listening to concerts.
EUGENE: Indeed, it is enough to make a true philosopher weep. Why are these students not learning all the time?
MICHAEL: Ah, it is but one of life's unanswered questions, my dear Eugene.
MILTON: As such, we must embark on a bathroom visitation trip to the Reynolds Club. Let us begin in the basement.
Reynolds Club Basement
EUGENE: Gentlemen, let us pause for a moment to remember all of those dear students who unwittingly decided to go to the Reynolds Club barbershop, which sits before our very eyes.
MILTON: Indeed, just as the flute player plays the flute, so are the haircuts received from the Reynolds Club barbershop the worst haircuts that I have ever seen.
MICHAEL: Sadly, it is so. However, the lucky citizens who are able to venture past the all-seeing eye of the Reynolds Club barbershop are treated to a surprisingly not-awful bathroom.
EUGENE: I have discovered two stalls and three urinals; they all appear to be in relatively good condition.
MICHAEL: Furthermore, it appears that the university has taken it upon itself to repaint the walls inside each stall. I really like smelling paint.
MILTON: My friends, I have found a most wonderful discovery: poetry! Some enlightened student - a fellow reader of Plato, no doubt - has written a splendid missive in verse on the right-hand-side wall in one of the stalls.
EUGENE: Indeed, this poem is highly inspiring. We must copy this down for future ponderance:
In Summertime the walls are clean
Protected from the words obscene
The school believes that it is safe
From shithouse proofs and poems erased
But there are those with memories long
Who while they sit with exposed schlong
And ass, do carry on the torch
Of shithouse poets come before
No wall is safe! no stall pristine!
Their battle cry, their meager dream
And where ever they find a place
Where those who creation do hate
Have taken it themselves upon
To whiten walls with egos strong
We enter in with righteous force
We come, we see, we write, of course
MICHAEL: Ah, yes, poetry of the shithouse variety. It is my favorite kind.
MILTON: I feel that the message of the poem is indeed an uplifting one, and it is a sign of humanity's infinite struggle for justice.
EUGENE: But Milton, I do not understand. What does this have to do with justice?
MILTON: Imagine a line, Eugene. On one end lies point A, and on the other lies point B. The line is divided by point C, which is anti-perpendicular to point D, which lies at the geometric nexus of the A-C-B axis. Point E, on the other hand, is equidistant from points A, B, and D, but it is twice as far from point C. Point G lies to the right of point C, but to the left of point E. Much as these points are the meaning of the line, this poem is the meaning of justice.
EUGENE: But what about point F? Where does that come in?
MILTON: Point F does not exist. It is merely a figment of your philosophic inquiry.
MICHAEL: You know, Milton, I just spent the last 30 seconds drawing your line on the floor. I almost ran out of pee by the end, but thankfully, you stopped at point G. And honestly, I don't think that your diagram makes any geometric sense. Also: what on earth is a geometric nexus?
MILTON: Indeed.
The philosophers' rating: Seventh Form of the Good
Reynolds Club Second Floor
MILTON: The second floor of the Reynolds Club is an important place indeed: Uncle Joe's - or, if you are lame - Hallowed Grounds is located on this floor, and apparently it is a popular spot for scholars wishing to study in an environment that is loud with bad indie music and smelly with bad pool players.
EUGENE: I have also heard that many a student has escaped to the second floor bathrooms in an attempt to save himself from watching a particularly awful play either on the first or third floor.
MICHAEL: Just as the soul is tripartite in form, this bathroom is tripartite in the good.
MILTON: Indeed, it is so. The three clear positive details are the fact that there is a urinal within a stall on the left and a window overlooking Hutch courtyard on the right.
EUGENE: Just as it is unwise for a philosopher-king to allow his subjects to see the inner workings of society, it is unwise to let people see your bottom while you pee. Thus, this ingenious urinal-within-a-stall invention is equivalent to maintaining the stability of society.
MICHAEL: Indeed, it is a thing to be praised. Doors should not be available only for those who poop.
The philosophers' rating: Sixth Form of the Good
Miles
Simha
MILTON: Indeed, it is so. I hate fun.
EUGENE: Ah, yes, it is true. Once when I was a young scholar, I attempted to play hopscotch with a polar bear. Sadly, it attempted to eat me. It was, in fact, the worst experience of my life. However, I was able to channel my wounds and scars into a good cause: never again have I interrupted my philosophic thinkings and ponderings by having fun.
MILTON: Ah, yes. Sadly, some young scholars at this university lack our level of intellect.
MICHAEL: Indeed, it is so.
MILTON: Thus, they oftentimes attempt to entertain themselves. An entire pristine building has been erected for this very purpose; a building which contains rooms for tomfoolery and time-wasting activities like watching plays or listening to concerts.
EUGENE: Indeed, it is enough to make a true philosopher weep. Why are these students not learning all the time?
MICHAEL: Ah, it is but one of life's unanswered questions, my dear Eugene.
MILTON: As such, we must embark on a bathroom visitation trip to the Reynolds Club. Let us begin in the basement.
Reynolds Club Basement
EUGENE: Gentlemen, let us pause for a moment to remember all of those dear students who unwittingly decided to go to the Reynolds Club barbershop, which sits before our very eyes.
MILTON: Indeed, just as the flute player plays the flute, so are the haircuts received from the Reynolds Club barbershop the worst haircuts that I have ever seen.
MICHAEL: Sadly, it is so. However, the lucky citizens who are able to venture past the all-seeing eye of the Reynolds Club barbershop are treated to a surprisingly not-awful bathroom.
EUGENE: I have discovered two stalls and three urinals; they all appear to be in relatively good condition.
MICHAEL: Furthermore, it appears that the university has taken it upon itself to repaint the walls inside each stall. I really like smelling paint.
MILTON: My friends, I have found a most wonderful discovery: poetry! Some enlightened student - a fellow reader of Plato, no doubt - has written a splendid missive in verse on the right-hand-side wall in one of the stalls.
EUGENE: Indeed, this poem is highly inspiring. We must copy this down for future ponderance:
In Summertime the walls are clean
Protected from the words obscene
The school believes that it is safe
From shithouse proofs and poems erased
But there are those with memories long
Who while they sit with exposed schlong
And ass, do carry on the torch
Of shithouse poets come before
No wall is safe! no stall pristine!
Their battle cry, their meager dream
And where ever they find a place
Where those who creation do hate
Have taken it themselves upon
To whiten walls with egos strong
We enter in with righteous force
We come, we see, we write, of course
MICHAEL: Ah, yes, poetry of the shithouse variety. It is my favorite kind.
MILTON: I feel that the message of the poem is indeed an uplifting one, and it is a sign of humanity's infinite struggle for justice.
EUGENE: But Milton, I do not understand. What does this have to do with justice?
MILTON: Imagine a line, Eugene. On one end lies point A, and on the other lies point B. The line is divided by point C, which is anti-perpendicular to point D, which lies at the geometric nexus of the A-C-B axis. Point E, on the other hand, is equidistant from points A, B, and D, but it is twice as far from point C. Point G lies to the right of point C, but to the left of point E. Much as these points are the meaning of the line, this poem is the meaning of justice.
EUGENE: But what about point F? Where does that come in?
MILTON: Point F does not exist. It is merely a figment of your philosophic inquiry.
MICHAEL: You know, Milton, I just spent the last 30 seconds drawing your line on the floor. I almost ran out of pee by the end, but thankfully, you stopped at point G. And honestly, I don't think that your diagram makes any geometric sense. Also: what on earth is a geometric nexus?
MILTON: Indeed.
The philosophers' rating: Seventh Form of the Good
Reynolds Club Second Floor
MILTON: The second floor of the Reynolds Club is an important place indeed: Uncle Joe's - or, if you are lame - Hallowed Grounds is located on this floor, and apparently it is a popular spot for scholars wishing to study in an environment that is loud with bad indie music and smelly with bad pool players.
EUGENE: I have also heard that many a student has escaped to the second floor bathrooms in an attempt to save himself from watching a particularly awful play either on the first or third floor.
MICHAEL: Just as the soul is tripartite in form, this bathroom is tripartite in the good.
MILTON: Indeed, it is so. The three clear positive details are the fact that there is a urinal within a stall on the left and a window overlooking Hutch courtyard on the right.
EUGENE: Just as it is unwise for a philosopher-king to allow his subjects to see the inner workings of society, it is unwise to let people see your bottom while you pee. Thus, this ingenious urinal-within-a-stall invention is equivalent to maintaining the stability of society.
MICHAEL: Indeed, it is a thing to be praised. Doors should not be available only for those who poop.
The philosophers' rating: Sixth Form of the Good
Miles
Simha
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Classics
MICHAEL: My friends, as all of you surely know, the best part of our job is when students come to office hours and ask us questions. This is the best part of our job for twin reasons: (1) their thirst for knowledge and philosophical excellence warms our heart and gives us hope for the future, and (2) we get to laugh at them for asking really stupid questions. However, when we are in our office, we are oftentimes afflicted with two divergent urges: the urge to laugh at our wayward students and the urge to poop.
MILTON: Indeed, it so. For this reason, the bathrooms in buildings like Classics are of the utmost importance; although Classics does not have too many classrooms, it contains a great number of faculty offices, and thus, the bathrooms are used heavily students and faculty alike.
MICHAEL: Furthermore, just as a society with one true philosopher king is superior to a society ruled by a democracy of fools, the fact that Classics contains only two men's restrooms is not an inherent flaw. We must examine the restrooms to see how to compare to the others.
EUGENE: My friends, I feel like we have arrived to the heart of the question. Let us commence our examination of the bathrooms in Classics.
Classics Second Floor
MILTON: It is a good thing that there is a bathroom here on the second floor, right next to Classics Cafe.
EUGENE: But Milton, I do not understand: why is it important that there be a bathroom here?
MILTON: This bathroom has likely saved many a scholar from certain embarrassment. I have heard stories involving the patrons of campus eateries urgently needing a restroom after either drinking an especially bad cup of coffee or eating a slightly too-old sandwich; as such, it is clearly the epitome of true philosophic justice for there to be a bathroom right next to Classics Cafe.
EUGENE: Ah, you have made it clear now.
MICHAEL: By Zeus! Much like the temple to the great cloudgatherer Zeus at Olympia, this bathroom appears to have a great surplus of marble on its walls.
EUGENE: Indeed, it is so. I am much impressed. Just as humans have an inherent metallocity that determines their standing in life, walls too have their destinies drawn out for them at a young age. Walls of marble are always destined for great success in all fields: philosophic, asesthetic, and gymnastic.
MILTON: I am also highly enthusiastic about the artistic side-entry door for the handicapped stall. It spares the user from the embarrassing feeling that passers-by are staring in through the door cracks right at one's crotch.
MICHAEL: There is also a splendid window on the far end that overlooks part of the campus.
MILTON: Indeed, the window is quite useful. Men's restrooms typically need all the air circulation that they can get, and it also allows users to follow up their mammoth poops by gazing off into the heavens while pondering truth and justice.
EUGENE: Personally, I am partial to the large cubby on the left wall. I feel like it would be a good place to hide medium and large sized treasures.
MICHAEL: Indeed, it is a good place to hide my brown fuzzy coat.
MILTON: My friends, I feel that we have spent enough time here on the second floor; let us now go upstairs to the fourth floor.
The philosophers' rating: Eighth Form of the Good
Classics Fourth Floor
EUGENE: Indeed, this bathroom is a lot like the second-floor bathroom, except for the fact that it is worse.
MILTON: Indeed, it is so. the bathroom is fitted with the same gorgeous marble wall surface, but sadly, it has its share of flaws.
MICHAEL: But Milton, I do not understand: what flaws does this bathroom have?
MILTON: It is quite simple. Just as the flute player plays the flute, so does the water come from this tap in separate faucets for hot and cold. Such a travesty makes it difficult for users to regulate the proper level of warmth, and as such, they are rendered unable to find truth.
MICHAEL: Ah, you have made it so clear.
EUGENE: Furthermore, I notice that there are horizontal metal bars on the window. Apparently the University does not want its bathroom users to climb onto the roof in a moment of ecstasy after a highly successfully poop.
The philosophers' rating: Sixth Form of the Good
Simha
MILTON: Indeed, it so. For this reason, the bathrooms in buildings like Classics are of the utmost importance; although Classics does not have too many classrooms, it contains a great number of faculty offices, and thus, the bathrooms are used heavily students and faculty alike.
MICHAEL: Furthermore, just as a society with one true philosopher king is superior to a society ruled by a democracy of fools, the fact that Classics contains only two men's restrooms is not an inherent flaw. We must examine the restrooms to see how to compare to the others.
EUGENE: My friends, I feel like we have arrived to the heart of the question. Let us commence our examination of the bathrooms in Classics.
Classics Second Floor
MILTON: It is a good thing that there is a bathroom here on the second floor, right next to Classics Cafe.
EUGENE: But Milton, I do not understand: why is it important that there be a bathroom here?
MILTON: This bathroom has likely saved many a scholar from certain embarrassment. I have heard stories involving the patrons of campus eateries urgently needing a restroom after either drinking an especially bad cup of coffee or eating a slightly too-old sandwich; as such, it is clearly the epitome of true philosophic justice for there to be a bathroom right next to Classics Cafe.
EUGENE: Ah, you have made it clear now.
MICHAEL: By Zeus! Much like the temple to the great cloudgatherer Zeus at Olympia, this bathroom appears to have a great surplus of marble on its walls.
EUGENE: Indeed, it is so. I am much impressed. Just as humans have an inherent metallocity that determines their standing in life, walls too have their destinies drawn out for them at a young age. Walls of marble are always destined for great success in all fields: philosophic, asesthetic, and gymnastic.
MILTON: I am also highly enthusiastic about the artistic side-entry door for the handicapped stall. It spares the user from the embarrassing feeling that passers-by are staring in through the door cracks right at one's crotch.
MICHAEL: There is also a splendid window on the far end that overlooks part of the campus.
MILTON: Indeed, the window is quite useful. Men's restrooms typically need all the air circulation that they can get, and it also allows users to follow up their mammoth poops by gazing off into the heavens while pondering truth and justice.
EUGENE: Personally, I am partial to the large cubby on the left wall. I feel like it would be a good place to hide medium and large sized treasures.
MICHAEL: Indeed, it is a good place to hide my brown fuzzy coat.
MILTON: My friends, I feel that we have spent enough time here on the second floor; let us now go upstairs to the fourth floor.
The philosophers' rating: Eighth Form of the Good
Classics Fourth Floor
EUGENE: Indeed, this bathroom is a lot like the second-floor bathroom, except for the fact that it is worse.
MILTON: Indeed, it is so. the bathroom is fitted with the same gorgeous marble wall surface, but sadly, it has its share of flaws.
MICHAEL: But Milton, I do not understand: what flaws does this bathroom have?
MILTON: It is quite simple. Just as the flute player plays the flute, so does the water come from this tap in separate faucets for hot and cold. Such a travesty makes it difficult for users to regulate the proper level of warmth, and as such, they are rendered unable to find truth.
MICHAEL: Ah, you have made it so clear.
EUGENE: Furthermore, I notice that there are horizontal metal bars on the window. Apparently the University does not want its bathroom users to climb onto the roof in a moment of ecstasy after a highly successfully poop.
The philosophers' rating: Sixth Form of the Good
Simha
Monday, July 23, 2007
The Reg
MILTON: Ah, my friends, we have arrived at the Reg, which is near and dear to my forlorn heart.
EUGENE: Indeed.
MICHAEL: Let us commence our search on the A-Level of this pristine building. When studying an object, one must begin at the base in order to gain a full understanding of the full thing, that is to say, of the thing itself.
MILTON: But Michael, I do not understand. Why must we begin on the A-Level?
MICHAEL: The A-Level, my dear Milton, being the bottom of the thing, must therefore be also the most essential to the thing itself. That is to say, if not for the existence of the A-Level, the entire building would not exist.
MILTON: But Michael, what about the B-Level?
MICHAEL: The A-Level has Ex Libris, dumbass. It is clearly superior in all matters: aesthetic, culinary, and bathroomy.
MILTON: Ah, it must be so. It is all clear now.
EUGENE: Now that we are all in accord as to the importance of the A-Level, we can begin our examination.
A-Level of the Reg
MICHAEL: I see that this restroom lacks two important amenities: French-style bidets and truth.
EUGENE: Let us not focus on what this restroom lacks, my friends. In order to fully understand the essence of the bathroom - what makes this bathroom this bathroom - we must first describe what this bathroom is.
MICHAEL: There are two slightly askew metallic coat hangers on the wall. I find that they are useful for hanging my coat. My coat is brown and fuzzy.
MILTON: I personally have taken note of the lack of graffiti on the walls. I oftentimes find myself reading humorous sayings on the wall, many of which assail the silly little Economic policies that I believe in. It is quite amusing to read how wrong everyone else is.
MICHAEL: One time I had a yellow coat, but then I dropped it.
EUGENE: Ah, I see that some clever young scholar has deduced a way to break open the toilet paper dispensers in both stalls. I am proud to see such enterprising and clever spirit among my younger compatriots.
MILTON: Also, the extra-wide handicapped stall is quite useful. My head is too fat to fit into the other stall, sadly.
MICHAEL: Fortunately, the full-size mirror on the left wall does a good job of accurately capturing my youthful beauty. I have oftentimes gone to this bathroom with the sole purpose of staring at myself and my brown coat.
EUGENE: My friends, it is now time for us to make our way upstairs so that we may examine the men's room on the first floor.
MILTON: Walking up stairs is such tedious work for a man of my intelligence.
The philosophers' rating: Sixth Form of the Good
First Floor of the Reg
MICHAEL: Ah, these ovaloid mirrors are especially elegant; I feel like they are suited for reflecting my poignant face.
MILTON: Do you mean pointy?
MICHAEL: No, definitely poignant. The poignancy of my face is, in fact, that which is the underlying cause of the face itself. Much as the flute player plays the flute, my face is poignant.
EUGENE: Ah, my friends! There is a treasure in the first urinal! I have discovered an empty Diet Coke bottle. Does anybody have a pack of Mentos?
MILTON: I have discovered another youthful artifact in one of the stalls: a copy of the latest issue of The Onion. The younger generations treat their news in such a crass manner, I'm afraid.
MICHAEL: But Milton, I do not understand.
MILTON: Shut up, Michael. Go and play with your fuzzy coat.
MICHAEL: Ah, indeed, I see. It must be so.
EUGENE: The expansiveness of this restroom reminds me of the KJR-382P Solar Belt. Both of them are very big.
MILTON: I also sense a faint smell in the air. I am reminded of mint juleps and oak trees.
MICHAEL: Really? I think it smells like poop.
The philosophers' rating: Seventh Form of the Good
Miles
Simha
EUGENE: Indeed.
MICHAEL: Let us commence our search on the A-Level of this pristine building. When studying an object, one must begin at the base in order to gain a full understanding of the full thing, that is to say, of the thing itself.
MILTON: But Michael, I do not understand. Why must we begin on the A-Level?
MICHAEL: The A-Level, my dear Milton, being the bottom of the thing, must therefore be also the most essential to the thing itself. That is to say, if not for the existence of the A-Level, the entire building would not exist.
MILTON: But Michael, what about the B-Level?
MICHAEL: The A-Level has Ex Libris, dumbass. It is clearly superior in all matters: aesthetic, culinary, and bathroomy.
MILTON: Ah, it must be so. It is all clear now.
EUGENE: Now that we are all in accord as to the importance of the A-Level, we can begin our examination.
A-Level of the Reg
MICHAEL: I see that this restroom lacks two important amenities: French-style bidets and truth.
EUGENE: Let us not focus on what this restroom lacks, my friends. In order to fully understand the essence of the bathroom - what makes this bathroom this bathroom - we must first describe what this bathroom is.
MICHAEL: There are two slightly askew metallic coat hangers on the wall. I find that they are useful for hanging my coat. My coat is brown and fuzzy.
MILTON: I personally have taken note of the lack of graffiti on the walls. I oftentimes find myself reading humorous sayings on the wall, many of which assail the silly little Economic policies that I believe in. It is quite amusing to read how wrong everyone else is.
MICHAEL: One time I had a yellow coat, but then I dropped it.
EUGENE: Ah, I see that some clever young scholar has deduced a way to break open the toilet paper dispensers in both stalls. I am proud to see such enterprising and clever spirit among my younger compatriots.
MILTON: Also, the extra-wide handicapped stall is quite useful. My head is too fat to fit into the other stall, sadly.
MICHAEL: Fortunately, the full-size mirror on the left wall does a good job of accurately capturing my youthful beauty. I have oftentimes gone to this bathroom with the sole purpose of staring at myself and my brown coat.
EUGENE: My friends, it is now time for us to make our way upstairs so that we may examine the men's room on the first floor.
MILTON: Walking up stairs is such tedious work for a man of my intelligence.
The philosophers' rating: Sixth Form of the Good
First Floor of the Reg
MICHAEL: Ah, these ovaloid mirrors are especially elegant; I feel like they are suited for reflecting my poignant face.
MILTON: Do you mean pointy?
MICHAEL: No, definitely poignant. The poignancy of my face is, in fact, that which is the underlying cause of the face itself. Much as the flute player plays the flute, my face is poignant.
EUGENE: Ah, my friends! There is a treasure in the first urinal! I have discovered an empty Diet Coke bottle. Does anybody have a pack of Mentos?
MILTON: I have discovered another youthful artifact in one of the stalls: a copy of the latest issue of The Onion. The younger generations treat their news in such a crass manner, I'm afraid.
MICHAEL: But Milton, I do not understand.
MILTON: Shut up, Michael. Go and play with your fuzzy coat.
MICHAEL: Ah, indeed, I see. It must be so.
EUGENE: The expansiveness of this restroom reminds me of the KJR-382P Solar Belt. Both of them are very big.
MILTON: I also sense a faint smell in the air. I am reminded of mint juleps and oak trees.
MICHAEL: Really? I think it smells like poop.
The philosophers' rating: Seventh Form of the Good
Miles
Simha
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