Stuart

MICHAEL: At one point, dear Stuart hall was inhabited by those whose metallocity is less than mediocre.

EUGENE: Indeed, it is so. At one point, Stuart was the home of the GSB, where the average metallocity of the students is not even a metal: it is actually just styrofoam.

MILTON: Ah, it is so. Even the most base of scholars typically has a metallocity of at least rusted steel or tin, but the GSB students are rarely higher than styrofoam.

MICHAEL: Thankfully, the university has reclaimed this space for the pursuit of true knowledge of the forms.

EUGENE: Indeed, it is so. Let us commence our study of these bathrooms at the middle, because it is the most vital section of the building.

MILTON: But Eugene, I do not understand. Why is the middle so important?

EUGENE: Milton, it is simple. Just as the soul has three parts, the building has two parts: the top and the bottom. Thus, we must start at the middle.

MILTON: Ah, but it is so clear now. Let us begin at the middle.

Stuart Second Floor

MICHAEL: I am particularly impressed by the wooden-backed coat hooks on the far wall.

EUGENE: Ah, it smells of rich mahogany. Unfortunately, the leather-bound books are nowhere to be seen.

MILTON: The retro-style "No Smoking" sign is also a nice touch. It reminds me of the rocking 60s, when I was a crazy flower child.

MICHAEL: Unfortunately, despite the coat hooks, "No Smoking" sign, and bizarre shape, this bathrooms is still relatively unimpressive. There's really not all that much special about it.

EUGENE: Indeed, it it so. There are some pretty average looking flushless urinals, some incandescent lights which do a good job of illuminating even the farthest reaches of the bathroom, and a nice shiny new paint job.

MILTON: Indeed, it is so. Just as the chicken must be covered with feathers lest it lose its chickenliness, this bathroom must be covered with fresh paint lest it lose.

MICHAEL: But Milton, I do not understand. What will it lose if it does not have fresh paint on its walls?

MILTON: At life, my dear Michael. It will lose at life.

The philosophers' rating: Sixth Form of the Good

Stuart Basement

EUGENE: My friends, this bathroom is expansive in size.

MILTON: Indeed, much as my head is cavernous, so is this bathroom.

MICHAEL: There is a three-foot-wide wall that divides the urinals on the right from the stalls on the left. Much as the flute player plays the flute, this dividing wall is in fact a dividing wall.

EUGENE: But Michael, I do not understand.

MICHAEL: My dear Eugene, it is simple. Just as this dividing wall is in fact a dividing wall, so must the flute player play the flute.

EUGENE: Ah, indeed, it must be so.

MILTON: Much like the second-floor bathroom, this bathroom has a nice collection of wooden-backed hooks. Michael, you will find this feature particularly useful, because you can hang your fuzzy brown coat from one of the hooks whilst you express your thoughts in the form of pee.

MICHAEL: Above the sinks, there is an especially wide mirror that allows me to stare at myself from a veritable wealth of angles. Furthermore, it allows me to keep an eye on the door so that I can stop peeing into the sink whenever someone walks in.

EUGENE: But Michael, I do not understand. How do you cover up your sink-peeing habit when an unwitting stranger walks into the bathroom?

MICHAEL: Ah, Eugene, it is simple. I simply hurl myself atop the counter so that my crotch is in fact inside the sink. Furthermore, I pretend like I am searching for any stray shards of Truth that may have dispersed to the outer reaches of the drain. I have fooled many an outsider in this manner.

MILTON: Although the sinks are indeed inviting, my dear Michael, the bathroom also has numerous other notable features. For instance, there is a nice retro "No Smoking" sign on the right wall, just as there is on the second floor.

MICHAEL: Indeed, it so. Furthermore, each stall has a nice shelf for storing extra treasures.

EUGENE: Oftentimes I place my lab notebook on the shelf unit while I poop.

The philosophers' rating: Eighth Form of the Good



Miles
Simha