Harper

EUGENE: Ah, gentlemen, thank you for waiting for me while I was pooping.

MICHAEL: Eugene, seriously, it's about time.

EUGENE: Oh? But I do not understand?

MILTON: I distinctly remember you saying that you would be gone for only a minute or two.

EUGENE: Indeed, it is so. I appear to have overshot my conservative estimate by a few minutes, it seems.

MICHAEL: We've been waiting outside for a good three weeks, Eugene.

MILTON: Suffice it to say that we have been playing a whole lot of "I Spy." I still haven't figured out what Michael saw when he said "I spy something that starts with a 'T'"; I've been scratching my rather bald head for the past nine days. Sadly, I now have some pretty serious fingernail gashes on my scalp.

MICHAEL: It was "truth," you idiot. What else would I find in the world?

EUGENE: My friends, I apologize once again for my lengthy sojourn in the bathroom. I got a little carried away mid-poop when I began to ponder the sun.

MILTON: The sun, Eugene? Pray tell: what about the sun could be so interesting as to occupy you for three weeks?

EUGENE: Ah, well, if you will allow me to refer momentarily to my notepad, you will see my latest finding.

MICHAEL: And what exactly have you found?

EUGENE: Dear Michael, while I was approaching the end of what was in fact a most satisfying poop, I looked down upon the freshly-soiled stool and began to ponder its similarities with the solar system's magnetic field. After some brief pondering, I conjectured that which I will now call the Parker Spiral.

MILTON: Ah, well, this is indeed fascinating and we would assuredly love to hear about it some more, but I fear that we have some more bathrooms to examine. It has been far too long since our most recent sojourn, thanks to the bathroom scientific contemplations of our dear friend Eugene.

MICHAEL: Indeed, it is so. Let us go to Harper - the imposing bulwark of the quad, and thus of philosophic inquiry itself - and examine its bathroomy offerings.

Harper First Floor - East

EUGENE: There appears to be a great deal of trash on this floor, my friends. I am reminded of the KJR-382P solar belt. Both of them are full of space garbage.

MILTON: But Eugene, I do not understand. This stuff does not look like space garbage at all; actually, it just reminds me of the floor at the end of a party at Lambda.

MICHAEL: You have been to a party at Lambda, Milton?

MILTON: Indeed, it it so. Youthful exuberances and whatnot, Michael. But nonetheless, we must return to the matter at hand - namely, the fact that this bathroom is rather awful.

EUGENE: Indeed, it is so. I was about to judge this bathroom in a slightly more positive manner due to its windows that face the quad, but I then realized that the windows are unable to be opened.

MICHAEL: Indeed, it is so. Just as the mind of the philosopher-king must be open in order to allow for the maximum accumulation of wisdom, so must the windows in a bathroom be open in order to allow for the maximum dissemination of poop particles.

MILTON: Indeed, it is so. I heard that one can acquire pink-eye if a bathroom lacks proper ventilation.

The philosophers' rating: Third Form of the Good

Harper First Floor - West

EUGENE: Ah, much as the poet Shelley once wrote that there is nothing better than finding a bathroom when you least expect it, so is there nothing better than finding a bathroom when you least expect it.

MILTON: Indeed, it is so. This one is of slightly superior quality compared to the previous bathroom.

MICHAEL: Ah, indeed. The tenants of this bathroom seem to have taken a slightly more positive outlook towards cleanliness.

EUGENE: Furthermore, the windows here actually open, and there is a nice blue tint to the tiles. Unfortunately, due to the shallowness of the stall and the general sense of crampedness, the toilet is situated in a sideways manner.

MILTON: Indeed, it is so. I no longer have the horrible feeling that passers-by are staring at my crotch while I sit upon the toilet, thanks to the fact that they will now only be able to see the side of my leg.

MICHAEL: Furthermore, this bathroom is awfully warm. My brown fuzzy coat will undoubtedly have to come off if I am to urinate in comfort.

The philosophers' rating: Fourth Form of the Good

Harper Second Floor

EUGENE: My friends, we appear to have hit upon a veritable gem.

MILTON: Indeed, it is so. This bathroom is roughly the size of my head, which makes it quite large indeed.

MICHAEL: In addition to the two hand-flush urinals here, there is also a solitary yet expansive stall with blue walls.

EUGENE: Furthermore, there also appears to be an anatomically impossible pencil drawing of what appears to be a young couple engaged in coital acts.

MILTON: But Eugene, I do not understand.

EUGENE: Acts of the flesh, dear Milton.

MILTON: I still do not understand what you mean.

EUGENE: Ah, well, this will assuredly make it all clear: just as the flute player goes to band camp and plays the flute, so do the two individuals on the stall door appear to be measuring cyclical friction via experimentation.

MILTON: Eh?

EUGENE: They're banging, Milton. Sex. The two people are having it. My goodness, you are slow sometimes.

MICHAEL: Let us not get carried away with our discussion of carnal matters, my friends. We must also take note of the fact that the windows open onto the quad, thus allowing for a spectacular view.

MILTON: Indeed, it is so. There is not much in this world that I enjoy more than hearing the birds chirp and seeing the sunlight stream into the bathroom while I poop.

The philosophers' rating: Seventh Form of the Good



Miles
Simha